The Steadfast Heart

One of my favorite things to do is to daydream. I spend half of my thoughts having conversations with people I’ve never met and taking adventures I’d never plan in real life. That’s fun for me to imagine and to picture myself doing incredible things. I love to create things in my mind as an outlet to my own reality.

The only problem with this, is at some point, I have to resurface for air. Practically speaking, I have an incredibly challenging time separating realistic outcomes to my desired expectations. I can envision myself making waves and living life to fullest in the eyes of Instagram. I can spend hours daydreaming and never day-doing.

Day-doing is not as easy. Day-doing means that I can’t control all of the outcomes of my efforts because day-doing does not exist in the imagination. Maybe I’ve lost you here. Maybe you’re one of those incredible people that is incredibly goal-oriented and you go after whatever you set your sights on. Maybe you are totally satisfied with your life and are just along for a good time. Maybe you have created a twelve step program for yourself and how you’re going to get from where you are to where you want to be, and it’s all worked out perfectly for you.

If that’s you, I’d love to be the first to present you an award for all of your achievement. Consider this your trophy for nailing your goals and knowing exactly what you want out of life and being successful in all of your endeavors. You are very deserving of a big wooden plaque with your name on it and gold letter balloons to celebrate you, because that is a spectacular accomplishment on your behalf.

But maybe–maybe you’re like me. Maybe life wasn’t handed to you on a silver platter and the world has not been your oyster up to this point. Maybe you’re wondering about yourself and asking questions and needing validity in what you’re doing. If you’re like me, you have doubts. May I be so bold to call some of those doubts, fear?

When I was in college, I was so positive that my major was going to launch my career into all that I needed it to be. I majored in business and absolutely loved it for many reasons. Not only did I understand it in a general sense, but I enjoyed studying business. I loved that it was a transferrable degree that would never box me in the way a Bachelor’s in Underwater Basket Weaving would. I really relished in the status it gave me, being one of the few women in my male-dominated classes–and killing it with my Strategic Management presentations every Wednesday Spring semester.

Most importantly, my college major was going to skyrocket me in my small business endeavors. Post-grad, I abandoned the dream of opening up my own salon/boutique after feeling the burnout of the industry. Sometimes I wonder if it was truly burnout, or hard work disguised as adversity that I couldn’t handle. Regardless, when I was handed a fresh start in a new town, I feel like I failed.

Applying 31 places with a business degree and enough leadership experience to at least qualify me for an entry level position, only to either hear silence or rejection from all 31 places was tough at 23. I had daydreamed about climbing the corporate ladder in a short amount of time, leather tote in hand (briefcases aren’t as cute). I’d be revered as a thriving woman in the business world.

I pictured myself in the pencil skirts and cute H&M blazers calling the shots from behind my giant office desk. In my wild imagination, I even had an assistant who not only was honored to have my coffee order memorized as one of her duties, but was my friend who loved spending all of her time with me. Somewhere, I am confident that my mother is laughing at my creativity. This hallucination was of course, accompanied by my fat salary that provided amazing benefits and all of the vacation time I needed.

That’s not how that happened. The only thing that transferred with me into reality was the cute H&M blazer that is now hanging in my closet with grease stains from deep-fried chicken. Yep, I went on to make my alma mater ridiculously proud to know I used my degree at a fast food chicken chain in the dairy lands of the Midwest. Humbly, it was never my resumé that impressed anyone. It was my family connections to someone who knew someone from somewhere that got me the interview.

I’m not sure why I’m still not over not being good enough for those 31 other places I applied to. I guess it was never about being “good enough.”

It was about showing up to the place where God wanted to do his refining within me.

That place just so happened to sell chicken and pay an hourly rate. I’ve spent the last three years wrestling with my status and my purpose, that I’ve at times easily missed opportunities to honor God where I feel unseen. It’s when I spend too much time daydreaming that I don’t let God show me where I can be day-doing.

Better yet at times, my eyes are opened to the opportunities I have to grow my character, but it just doesn’t always seem exciting. If it’s not extraordinary or signifiant or special, I rule out that it could ever be meaningful. That’s what I really want out of life: to experience deep meaning. To do things that have meaning and to mean something to people.

I just think I’ve had it all backwards. Let me articulate better for you. I struggle with the mundane tasks at my job. I mean, I truly have felt like my personality slowly approaches the slaughter house every time I open my email. So often, I have seen my work as insignificant because my co-workers don’t appreciate me the way I think I deserve to be esteemed or my boss doesn’t divert the meeting to announce five ways Natalie is indispensable at this company. That’s truly ridiculous to expect. And even after I say that, I still would really love that to be reality because simply put, I am motivated by recognition.

But it’s not reality. That is a daydream. It is however, my opportune moment to begin day-doing. One of the best things to ever come across my Pinterest feed was a quote that said, “If you don’t like where you are, move. You are not a tree.” I laugh because it’s very true and practical guidance. But I’d like to add an additional thought.

What if we were to see our disappointment in our circumstances as an open invitation to celebrate all that God is doing behind the scenes of our efforts?

What if I woke up every day and encouraged at least one person in my workplace by sending a two-minute email, praising them or thanking them for something positive they’ve done (See Shawn Achor’s book The Happiness Advantage, where he writes these very words)?

What if, in doing the small things, what was ordinary turned into a joyful experience? I think I spend too much time focusing on how to get out of my present circumstances and not enough time choosing gratitude for what they’ve provided. Beyond that, I may never, ever know the ways in which my work encouraged other people around me. If I’m more motivated by being recognized for what I do, then I’ve lost. I’ve totally missed the mark. I’ve daydreamed about the wrong the wrong dream.

But if I can wake up to the fact that I was given meaning and significance before I ever took a breath on this earth, I can not only get over the fact that my resumé didn’t land me a high-level corporate job, but I can ultimately get over myself.

This morning I was in the car with Hunter and between the two of us, we have big dreams. And they are awesome ambitions, and I think God honors people that dream because I know God wants the best for our lives.

But if we define success by achieving our goals the exact way we plan, success will always be a moving target. Hunter and I thought life would look vastly different than it looks to us right now, and we’d be lying if we said we haven’t felt a heavy amount of disappointment in the last three years.

He turned to me as he was driving and asked, “What if all that you are learning right now in this season is the very thing that is going to be what you need for the next chapter? What if you miss it and you’ll never know what God has for you right now because you’re thinking too hard about how you’re going to get where you want to be?”

I’m nowhere near arriving at the person I want to be, but I am awake to the fact that just like the seven dwarves can whistle while they work, I can daydream while I do. And even the smallest tasks, the most minuscule gestures can build our character on our way to who we were meant to be.

Take care & take heart,
Natalie