The Steadfast Heart

Time is a funny thing. Right now in our world, there is a pandemic wrecking our bodies, our economy, our mental well-being, our daily schedules, our expectations and much more. With the global outbreak of the Coronavirus, I’ve had countless time to reflect on endless nothings that rabbit trail into all sorts of thoughts. But the main thing I keep coming back to is the concept of time when it comes to my life.

Three weeks ago, I came home from the hospital with our second son. We named him Nolan Graham after longingly expecting his grand arrival. He is perfect to us in every way and I love the joy that newborns bring. Getting to watch each stretch or yawn or infant snore stirs up the best of my emotions. And then when I think about the fact that he joined our family less than a month ago, my mind can’t wrap my head around the right orientation to time.

How can it feel like I’ve never known a life without him and yet I’m just beginning to learn about this little bundle? I then look at my firstborn, Griffin, and find it so hard to recall our lives before he came into the world. But there was a life before. There was just the two of us, Hunter and me. Once before, we were newlyweds starting life together in a world of exciting and yet nervous unknowns.

When I step back to reflect on a short 27 years of life, all at once I can picture myself in the corner of Mrs. Qadeem’s 4th grade class working on a writing assignment and at the same time, I’m a mom of two under two sitting at a desk in the corner our Wisconsin apartment. Time seems to stand still and fly all in the same breath. If I could just hang on to it long enough to really lean in to every moment, I wonder how much more fulfilled my soul would feel. I wrestle with being so many things to so many people while also longing to still be that eleven-year-old girl who was easily invigorated by elementary school writing assignments.

How do you hold the tension well of being present in your life right now and honoring the truest parts of you that have always been intrinsically wired within you? I’m a wife, a mother, an employee, but I’m also creative and find my best self in my writing and other arts. I find value in contributing my distinctive work to the world through creating, leading, and collaborating on ideas. And yet, to name just a few, I am the diaper changer, bath time supervisor, financial investor, and crying calmer to two small humans. My world’s don’t always intersect in a way that confidently assures me that I am valued, or crushing the parenting gig, or producing meaningful matter that ignites people, even if it’s just meant to inspire me.

One of the phrases I hear myself say all too often is, “Before I became a mom..” and I realize I’ve separated my life into their own time-periods based on titles I carry. Before getting married, after having Kid #1 or Kid #2, when I was still working at the salon as a hair stylist, after I became an Executive Coordinator at my job, before I became a work-from-home-mom: all of these are seasons of my life I have subconsciously categorized my experiences in. It’s compelling to me that this is how I would organize my life story, when I so deeply desire to be known by people for who I am instead.

Furthermore, the very thing I want to be known by: my creativity, my thoughts or ideas, my true heart does not get hardly any of my focus. I am not convinced that this is intentional, as so much of my time naturally gets directed toward my marriage, my tiny, tiny children and maintaining order within my home. I’m not looking to be the next best-selling author or inspirational Instagrammer, but I am questioning how to allow myself to be all that I feel called to be while I spend my days cleaning cottage cheese curds off of a high chair tray and scrubbing jumbo crayon scribbles off of my walls.

How do I stop longing to know the girl that was inspired to write about majestic mountains at Sandburg Elementary after gazing at scenic calendar photo on the wall and start becoming that same imaginative girl as I mother a curious toddler? The best qualities of who I was can still be part of who I am if I intentionally hang on to that girl with every new hoop in life I jump through. While I am so grateful for growing in my character and wisdom as a result of my experiences, my hope is to build upon what makes me, distinctively and originally me.

I don’t have all of the answers, but I do have the ambition to keep diving into the depth of my questions and to live in the now. Maybe my wondering will reveal the shadow side of my soul I’ve been hiding away. Perhaps I’ll learn new things about my wiring that will spark more authentic creativity out of me. Maybe I’ll discover what it looks like to appreciate each orientation to time in their own fullness.

The best part about the faith I carry in Jesus is that I follow a God that was with me at my deepest and darkest and present for every moment of my highlight reel. He sits with me, ever intentional and present, even in my investigating and struggle to reason well. He’s already on the other side of my pilgrimage to becoming. So maybe, maybe what I’ll find in trying to discover all of the best characteristics and qualities of me in the midst of my responsibilities and seasons of life, what I’ll really find is more of Him.

Take care & take heart,