The Steadfast Heart

Often times the way we view ourselves does not reflect the way others see us. Some people prefer it that way, to keep their cards closer to their chest. It’s easier to not expose our whole selves because it’s less of a heartache if trust gets broken. Some people choose to portray a false version of themselves out of fear of rejection of their true self. There are countless versions of ourselves we can offer to the world in an effort to make friends.

In the last few years, I’ve questioned if who I am was truly created for friends and for community. I know what the Bible has to say about it. I know what the mental health studies report. I understand the lie that’s at the root of my thinking. It doesn’t change the ache in my soul that I’ve battled for a significant part of my life.

Part of the wrestling for me is feeling like I consistently overshare myself with friends. What seems wholly authentic and true to me, I share. In the best of times, it draws out meaningful conversation that offers growth. In the disappointing moments, I’m received with silence without an explanation. In typical conversations, there is unbalanced vulnerability.

And if I can just release this frustration here: I am exhausted from hearing about how friends forgot to respond to me. It’s been such a pattern in my life, that I come to expect a 2-week turn around time from hearing back after I reach out. I’ve heard all of the reasoning as to why. I have grace for life that happens. I’ve been in my own darkest hours, I’ve been a new mom, I’ve moved multiple times, I’ve been a working mom with two kids and a husband that works incredibly hard at coaching. I can understand and empathize. But I believe you get around to what’s important to you. And I’ve gotten to a point where my spirit has felt so disheartened for so long that I am giving myself the grace to stop striving so hard to hold onto half-hearted friendships.

Ask me who my best friend is, and the answer will never change. My mom. Ask me who I feel gets me the most and my dad is the automatic response. There was a period of time where I felt like I was defective for this, that I’m supposed to have friends my age, in my own walk of life. But the truth is, I sense more wholeness in these friendships than I do anywhere else on earth. The beautiful thing I’ve also worked out being friends with my parents, the people that unconditionally love me, is that even they can’t fully satisfy my longing for friendship. But Jesus can.

And it’s in their friendship, of showing me that my longing for more is a heavenly thing, that I can lean into Jesus’s presence and trust it. Often times when I find myself writing, it’s because I’ve had a heartache of a week. That’s no less real now. The week has been challenging, exposing, raw, and messy. It’s also been full of opportunity to try again, to get out of my own way, for growth and redemption. I find myself longing for my promised eternity in heaven, without any of this. I’ve been trying to cut through the noise of my own thoughts and reflect on what Jesus is trying to say to me.

What I think he wants me to keep believing is that he is the truest friend. My truest friend. When I feel like I’m too much or never enough, he asks if he can steady my soul. When I want to pack up my feelings and never share them with another human ever again, he asks me to keep unfolding them before him. In my all of my unhealthy and unhelpful thoughts, he shows me what’s not from him. Jesus then replaces my stress with his truth.

Often times I believe the Lord shows me things through my three-year-old. Next to Griffin’s bedside one Sunday night was a crown he had made at church. I asked him to tell me about it, thinking we’d talk about the stickers that covered the rim. Instead he declared, “Jesus is the King! And, and the King is our friend!” I hope I never get over the fact that the King of the entire universe has declared himself my friend. On days when it can seem like I’m the kid that’s picked last for the team, Jesus has chosen me first.

I don’t want to write my life off as a constant disappointment, or that I’ll keep believing I’m the odd man out. That’s a lie from the enemy. But what I do want to proclaim is even if, and even when I don’t experience the reciprocity my heart fully longs for, it won’t rattle me. It won’t change the friend I choose to be to others. My identity won’t get tangled up in the amount of people I can call on when I need the encouragement. I believe Jesus will go before me and provide the community he calls me to be apart of if I put in the work. I’m grateful that I can trust him. I’m indebted to his grace.

The song below has been manna for this season of life. It has vindicated my downcast spirit on countless days and spun the message of truth in my heart that Jesus is the truest friend. Our truest friend.

Take care & take heart,

Names | Elevation Worship & Maverick City Music feat. Tiffany Hudson
[Verse 1]
You are the medicine
The only cure for everything I feel within
Redeeming what was lost and all that could have been
Oh, this is a healing kind of love

[Verse 2]
You are the truest friend
Staying through the night when I was at my end
Comforting my heart till it was light again
Oh, this is a faithful kind of love
Yes, it is

[Chorus]
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace
Immanuel, God with us, You're here with me
Wonderful Counselor
The government is resting on Your shoulders

[Verse 3]
You are the final word
You alone decide when every page will turn
So I will trust Your timing, I will rest secure
Oh, this is a steady kind of love
Oh-oh-oh-oh, You are