Not many people can say they had a grandma that had perfected a dead cockroach impression. I can.

If you knew Janie Nelsen, laughter was never far away. She was just as talkative to strangers as she was to old friends. She was honest. And when she was too honest, she humbly asked for forgiveness. She easily warmed a room with levity and approachability.

Grandma Janie also understood pain and suffering. I didn’t know the definition of fibromyalgia growing up but I knew it meant she had good days and hard days. The more memories I reflect on, the more I’m amazed at how many of her hard days she made sure were good days for us.

My grandpa summarized life with her best when he held her hand and shared: “65 years together. I remember every single one of them. You were the perfect pastor’s wife. I love you, I love you, I love you.”

I don’t want to believe that all I’ll have after today are family photos of us together and whatever my aging memory can sustain. But what a gift it is that I have 32 years worth remembering as her granddaughter. And that even the final memories I have of her will be some of my favorite.

We wanted her to rest during one of my last visits, so I offered to play the hymns I had saved on my phone. Breathing was difficult for her, and her discomfort was heightened. I hummed along while she closed her eyes and occasionally lifted a hand or nodded her head to well-loved verses. The Old Rugged Cross came on and I watched as she mouthed the words, knowing that too took energy.

So I’ll cherish the old rugged cross,
Till my trophies at last I lay down;
I will cling to the old rugged cross,
And exchange it someday for a crown

“Someday. for a. crown,” she whispered between breaths as the closing instrumentals played. Even in her dying, she continues to teach me about living.

Someday for her is now today.

The last thing I said to her was that I missed her already. And that I’d see her when I got there.

For now, I’ll cling to the old rugged cross she taught me to love. And someday, like her, exchange it for a crown.

Take care & take heart,

P.S. I hope the angels assign her to the Welcome Team.