Sixteen months ago, I deleted my Facebook account. I turned my Instagram and Twitter accounts to private. I scaled back on how much I posted and shared with friends and followers. I became gripped by the fear of being known not only online, but in life.
About two weeks before we moved to Wisconsin, I was working from my laptop in a booth at a frequented, casual restaurant in town. Behind me, there were two women who knew my parents and who I’d met a few times that were talking about raising young adolescent daughters. As I continued to work, their conversation filled with the honest wondering and questioning about how to approach the topic of dating with their daughters grew. It didn’t take much longer before they said my name, causing me to look up just in time before one woman asked me how my godly parents, specifically my dad, approached the subject with me when I was in my teenage years.
I remember taking a few moments to gather my thoughts as I saw flashbacks into the emotional outbursts, arguments, and defiance I brought upon my dad. At fifteen, I was on a mission to date someone that caused my parents an unnecessary amount of red flags. All of my life, my dad and I had been incredibly close, so I grieve when I think back on how I responded in his gracious approach to me during this season of growing pains. If there is any subject in my life that humbles me, it’s me when I was dating in high school. It’s also one of the topics that I’m passionate to share about because I now see all the ways to help bridge the gap between teens and parents.
When I look back on that time, I am in absolute awe of how God healed my relationship with my parents and the testimony I have to share because of it. So as I shared with these two women about how I was not the ideal child and so often reacted wrongfully in spite of my parent’s guidance, I watched as mortification and shock came across their faces before I could really share about the humility Jesus brought into my life in the years following. The first response I received was, “But you’re the pastor’s daughter. You’re not supposed to act like that.”
That was the exact moment I allowed myself to become paralyzed by the fear of being known.
Being Pastor Jeff’s daughter has been one of the absolute biggest privileges of my life. I am choked up just thinking about the legacy my father has etched on my heart to love Jesus wholeheartedly and to live life with the purpose of serving others for His glory. I am continuously blown away by the favor my dad has with people and I think it’s because he lives out this legacy so well. He has also taught me that favor comes from the Lord and can diminish at any time, because it’s a privilege to have relationships with others and not an entitlement.
Sometimes, when someone like my dad knows and connects with so many people, they in turn feel just as connected to the rest of his family. That’s how I know my dad really loves on people, when they are comfortable enough to feel that way. For me, there have been times when I am overwhelmed by the amount of people that feel like they know me intimately because of my dad, but I may not even be confident on their name. Often this makes me feel loved and cared for, that sweet people would take an interest in me, but there is also a guilt-factor of feeling like we have a second-hand relationship instead of knowing each other first-hand.
What lays heavy on my heart is not having the organic opportunity to share not just my Facebook highlight reel, but the messy, imperfect, behind-the-scenes of my life. I think I’ve unintentionally tried fitting their mold of being the pastor’s perfect daughter rather than feeling confident enough in Jesus to share on a deeper level. It’s that fear of not being what’s expected of me, like with the women in the booth, that has left me hesitant and guarded too soon.
Yesterday, a co-worker was describing my personality back to me and stated that I’m not super easy to get to know. “Inch by inch we can pull things out of you,” is what was said. A new team member this week said I seemed “skeptical” to her. As I drove home thinking about these statements, I couldn’t help but believe this is not part of the purpose Jesus had for me. I’ve had to go back to those moments where I felt
I don’t think Jesus ever intended being known to be a fear, especially one that has gripped my life. I’m not sure many people in Wisconsin know that I was an open book once. I’m not sure if they know that I used to sing or that I used to write and had a blog through high school. I even had a YouTube channel with my childhood neighbor, Jane that I loved. You won’t find traces of either of those things today because somewhere along the way, I allowed comments from someone else to translate into the idea that I’m not good enough.
I love that Jesus allowed himself to be known by others and even allowed ridicule to come upon him. By this, he didn’t live out his life and his ministry in fear! He walked boldly and confident, not because of what others said about him, but because he unapologetically believed what his Father thought about him. If you ever have the opportunity to read what God says about you, I promise you it is all good and full of love, even when He has to call us into the best possible versions of ourselves.
All my fear aside, the true personality God knit together for me was meant forcommunity. In fact, I believe that’s exactly what Jesus calls us all into and I am so thankful that he set the tone on how to handle favor with others.
So here I am. Back to writing. Back to sharing my heart in the hope that someone may find it encouraging today.
You may be a lot like me. Unsure exactly of your purpose, but have felt paralyzed to pursue the thing that stirs your heart. Some of you may not have a clue what stirs your interest and passions in this season in your life. I’m totally with you on that. My challenge for you is to start somewhere by letting someone you can trust get to know the deeper you. You may not be able to see things in yourself, but that dependable person just might be able to speak truth into your life and walk alongside you as you discover what stirs your heart. I know this blog wouldn’t have happened without Hunter speaking those quiet truths into my heart over and over. And over.
So may your heart be stirred today, that you may know that you are beloved and fearlessly known with all of the love, grace, and truth heaven can offer.
Take care & take heart,
Natalie
Originally written October 14, 2017
The Steadfast Heart 